i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
