That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
