I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Boobs speak an international language.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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