i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
