Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
