Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
