So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
