this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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