Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
