apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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