Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
