So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My bed smells like the plague
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize