now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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