dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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