Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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