did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
