My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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