You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
