I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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