I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
