um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
