Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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