I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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