If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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