i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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