i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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