Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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