So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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