Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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