What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
