The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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