My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
