he thought i was a dude.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
