i just wanna soil my oats bro
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
