I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize