apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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