Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
