You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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