My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
