Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
