Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
