No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
time to smoke my breakfast
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
