Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
