He is such a slut. More and more my type.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
