Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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