i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
