Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
