hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
