While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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