I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
