Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
