remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
