Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
