i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
