Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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