I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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