the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize