You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
