med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
