The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
