Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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